Better Listening: Two Important Tips (Part 3 of 3)

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In Part 1 and Part 2 of this Better Listening series, we looked at two factors that can prevent us from being able to listen to someone else. The first was auditory exclusion, which is when someone temporarily is unable to listen due to a high stress condition. The second was different biases that can cause us to downweigh or exclude what someone else is telling us. These biases can be simply because we don’t like or respect someone. One example is an education bias is when those with a lower educational level may not be taken as seriously as those with higher education levels. 

In this last segment we will focus on how we can improve our communication so that others will better listen to what we have to say, especially knowing that they may have their own biases at play. There are two techniques we will discuss today: (1) active listening and (2) building trust by showing that we care. Both go hand in hand.

Active Listening

So, you may have heard of active listening. Active listening is basically summarizing back in your own words what you have heard someone tell you. In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg uses the term looping for understanding to describe active listening. There are three steps involved: (1) ask a question and listen to what they say, (2) repeat back what they said in your own words, and (3) lastly, ask if what you just said is correct. This last step is important.

This sounds so simple. How much of an impact can active listening really have? Why does it even matter?

Active Listening (Canva generated AI image)

I was brought in to lead a team that had been working on a large project for a year and was basically stuck. We didn’t know each other and had been working together for about two months but I was very familiar with the type of work they were trying to do because their background was similar to other teams I had worked with in the past. The turning point with this team came when I started to practice active listening. Prior to that point, when they had described an issue, I had responded with, “I understand.”  This happened several times, I remember telling them, “I understand” because I really did understand what they were going through. But simply telling them, “I understand” was not sufficient.

We were trying to build a timeline and business cases for the project and what I was having trouble with is getting them to take action even though I had showed them how they could build a timeline as well as the calculations needed for the business case. So, I called a meeting, and, in this meeting, I started to practice active listening, simply repeating back what they were telling me was in their way instead of saying, “I understand.”  The result was instantaneous. When they heard me repeat back to them their concerns, that’s when they started to listen to me. Because by active listening, I was demonstrating that I had truly been listening to them.

The other reason active listening is important is because it provides both parties with an opportunity to clarify what was really meant or said. I use this technique often during coaching sessions. Sometimes a client will say, “Wow, you summarized that so well” or “You said it much better, that’s what I was trying to say.” When this happens, this is a gift both them and us because it makes both parties feel good. Other times they will say, “That’s not really what I meant. The focus is really on this part.” That is also a gift to both parties because it reduces any future misunderstand that might arise and provides both parties an opportunity to continue the dialogue to gain clarity.

Build Trust by Showing that You Care

Showing that you care is the largest lever you have in building trust. In one of my earlier blogs, I explain the formula for trust that Charles Green, David Maister, and Robert Galfor share in their book The Trusted Advisor. There are three components to the numerator but only one component in the denominator, which is self-orientation.

Trust = ( C + R + I ) / S

One of the most effective ways to build trust is by showing that you care. When someone trusts you, they will automatically give more consideration to what you say compared to someone they don’t know or trust. If you want someone to listen to you, work on establishing trust with that person and start by showing that you care about them as a person. This needs to come from a sincere place because people are pretty good at distinguishing intent. 

As Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” To get other people to listen to you, think first about how you make them feel.

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