Better Listening: Listening under Stress and Auditory Exclusion (Part 1 of 3)

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It’s frustrating when you feel like someone is not listening to you.

I was putting my daughter to bed the other night and she said, “Mama, I love everything about you. The only thing I would change would be if you could listen to me better.” That hurt a bit, but I knew it was true.

I can be distracted when she asks me something or get frustrated and cut her off when she is trying to talk if I’ve asked her to do a chore several times. It is hard to listen well.

Think of some of the most difficult or challenging situations that you may have experienced. Were those situations partly due to communication issues? Was someone not listening to you? Did you misunderstand the other person?

In those situations, were either of these conditions present?

(1)     You or the other person were distressed or under stress.

(2)     The other person did not like or respect you.

These are two situations that make it very difficult to listen. Listening under stress is what we will be unpacking in this article so that we can learn how to reduce miscommunication.

Auditory Exclusion

Have you ever heard the term auditory exclusion before?

Human resource training will typically suggest bringing a third party with you if you are going into a situation that has high potential for conflict. When only two parties are present, and the situation is charged, it is not uncommon that one party will say he/she never heard the other party say something. That can sometimes be due to auditory exclusion which is when someone temporarily cannot hear during moments of stress. It has often been observed in combat or with police. Most of the research around auditory exclusion has been done with the military.

But auditory exclusion is more common than people may think. My daughter has a hard time waking up in the morning. One morning, after I had been in her room three times and we were about to be late, I started raising my voice. She said, “Mama, I can’t hear what you are saying when you yell.” That may sound strange, how is it that she can’t hear me when I’m speaking louder? Because I was familiar with the concept of auditory exclusion, I believed her. That is what she was experiencing at that moment.

Being able to provide language around a concept is powerful. Amy Edmundson did not coin the term psychological safety, but she helped spread awareness to organizations, so they had language to describe the condition in which people felt safe to speak up in their teams or organizations without the fear of being judged or excluded. Psychological safety is key to high performing teams.

Another example is the term ambivert, popularized by Susan Cain, author of the book Quiet. Many people have heard of extroverts and introverts. Ambiverts are those in between who carry some of both tendencies. Susan Cain helped people understand how introverts were different from extroverts. It wasn’t that introverts did not like people or being around people. It was that being around people was draining to them, so introverts need time alone to recharge. The opposite is true for extroverts. Being around people is what fuels them. COVID was an especially challenging time for extroverts. Understanding these differences is important because otherwise we tend to assume people are like us and expect them to react or behave as we would. When it comes to listening, this can be a dangerous assumption.

I was giving a presentation to a group of project managers years ago and explained how it is important to sift through what the other person is saying regardless of how they are saying it. One of the attendees asked, “How do you listen to someone when they are yelling at you? I just shut down.”

Some people may be more prone to auditory exclusion than others. I had not experienced auditory exclusion and as a result, didn’t realize that not everyone is able to listen under stress. This is why it is important to make everyone aware that some people may have a difficult time listening under stress. Have you ever experienced auditory exclusion?

Practical Steps for Better Listening under Stress

So, what can you do about this?

1.       Try to avoid creating highly charged conversations.

2.       Be aware that in a charged situation, the other person may literally not be able to listen to what you are saying due to auditory exclusion.

3.       If possible, postpone the conversation until the other person has had time to “cool down.”

4.       Otherwise, bring a third party with you that can listen more objectively to both parties.

Please share this article to increase awareness about auditory exclusion. Awareness is the first step towards change and better listening.

Subscribe to Claritas Consulting & Coaching’s mailing list to receive Part 2 and 3 of Better Listening as well as future articles. The next Better Listening article will be on how to reduce bias when listening. And the final one will cover two practical techniques to improve your listening skills.